Body consciousness

 The last few years have contained a fair few challenges. The obvious ones like coming out, surgery etc are summarised by masses of reflection, working through the scenarios, more overthinking and then just going for it. In some respects they are easy as the expectation is from a neutral observer that is a pretty big thing. You get cut a lot of slack in that respect.

The smaller things can ironically be more difficult. Choice of make up....do I do goth, Barbie or allude middle aged sophistication. I hope I come across the latter with a small hint of the first.

How you dress and portray your body can seem to be minor but from the inside out it can cause huge stress. Being self conscious comes with the territory. Do I try to copy an image and mess it up or beat a unique path and stand out even more. The balance reached in your mind takes years to get there and you still have occasional self doubt. Feedback is essential but rarely forthcoming.

So after having surgery last year, this summer presented me with a new conundrum. Summer clothes notably beach / pool wear. You have that image in your head of how you want to look. As always it is soft focus, Photoshop and tweaked compared to reality.

I have a new body. Certain bumps are new, certain bumps have gone and curves exist that didn't before. How do I do that walk around the pool, that saunter down the beach or the Halle Berry / Bo Derek / Ursula Andress (choose your appropriate decade) exit from the sea / pool. 

So the cozy was bought and then a second...yup self doubt. However now having done it as has always been the case, the fears, the self doubt etc are entirely blown out of proportion and context. Reality is so much simpler but being transgender it is so hard to think that simple.

Yes you get the looks. When I go anywhere new or in a new scenario, I am scanning the area for potential issues. I can spot within a microsecond the difference between a glance out of curiosity, a glance of oooh that's new or a glance which says hatred.

Kids are the funniest. From infants who's jaw drops to teenagers who might do a few laps of a room with their friends to look at the tranny. Today was the latter, clocked before they even started moving and tracked. Even with that age group you have to be careful. Things can escalate through peer pressure. 

Such skills serve me well. They also do create the self doubt, lack of confidence etc as the focus is external rather than concentrating on me. It's a hard habit to kick but I'm getting there.

So that's another thing ticked off. Not sure about a bikini but I've seen many women in the last week who have I think they would accept as non model bodies just embrace who they are and be who they are. It was very empowering seeing it. 

If there has one thing I've learnt but don't always enact, is that you are who you are. You shouldn't think about others. You are the priority and you wear what you want and be proud of every lump and bump you have. It's yours....own it.

I think my takeaway from this little event is to focus on my body confidence going forward. I've been conservative in some of the outfits I've bought. Limited flesh on show, no adventurous material or cut. Yes I'm middle aged but I've been told I have a half decent body (and legs that go on for miles - quote) so perhaps take a few more risks and be a bit more adventurous.

No I won't be mutton but let's see if I can get things that accentuate rather than hide. That's another different adventure and another chapter in my journey.

I hope as always you stick with me on this trip. Feel free to critique and advise. I very much welcome it and also any boutiques or clothing lines I've not come across let me know.

Until next time, be the beautiful you that you clearly are.

Amanda xx

@AmandaOutThere 

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