Hate.

 Ive never actually understood the concept of hate. It's a word thrown around a bit too easily for me.

I've fallen out with both friends and family. I have a long fuse and am quite resilient so it takes a lot to rile me. That however isn't hatred.

I certainly wouldn't get annoyed or abusive to a stranger simply for being who they are. That is such an alien concept.

So I find it strange when I see hate. I mean I've had it directed at me for being me. I've had people ignoring me or failing to engage with me just because of who I am.

Yes there will be people I don't have any connection with or dislike aspects of their behaviour or character but I don't see that as hatred. I'm even polite enough to engage with those people in the hope that perhaps I don't know them well enough.

I'm certain as much as I can be that I don't do things that should cause hate but hate to me appears entirely irrational.

I say this as it's coming to the end of my pride season. Ive been to and/or been involved with 5 so far this year with one left to tick off.

I've seen so much love and support for my community. Being involved with Liverpool as I mentioned in my last missive was such an amazing experience.

Recently as part of work and also my industries LGBTQ+ network I got the opportunity to walk in Leeds Pride. People 10 deep lining the route, cheering, waving and applause just for us being proud of who we are was another notch on the amazing experience stick.

I am now entirely convinced that the hatred directed at my community is pure bigotry and the reception I've seen this summer where 10s of 1000s have attended hundreds of Prides show it's a small sometimes gobby minority.

I don't know what drives them. Hatred must be so negative and depressing as it never achieves anything. 

Even closer to home where I'm not fully engaged with friends and family it still bemuses me. As someone who only met me recently after a while said so long as you are happy.

Well I am deeply happy. I've entirely embraced me and importantly my community this year. I'm no longer scared of being me or mixing with the diverse community to which I belong. I've experienced so much and met so many fabulous people. 

So I'll never understand hatred or even avoidance. It says more of them than me. Because all I have seen this year is happiness through acceptance.

I know how much it's had an effect on me generally. How acceptance has given me so much confidence. How acceptance has relieved me of such a burden of hiding.

If only 6 months ago you would have told me what I would do, I'd have laughed out loud.

The thing is the wall has been breached. I've mentioned before about coming to the end of my journey because I didn't know what would happen next.

That's the key. I don't need to know, what I needed to do was smash down some walls either I'd built or others had.

I've done that this year and yet I don't feel like I have reached a point whereby I can say that's it, that's the end and by not being at that point I know my journey continues because there is still so much to achieve.

I know there will always be challenging situations and people, some who won't accept me or will hate but I'm not going to let that stop me. 

I've got so much more to offer and I'm intent on doing so.

So if that's the outcome of hate then for me it's had a positive effect. No one wants to be hated, that would be odd, but if it's irrational then you can be driven and take a positive response from it. 

I've always thought about having these witty put downs for people who vocally express their hate. However the reality is I pity them and giving them oxygen doesn't serve anything. Yes I will defend my corner and community generally but personal attacks will be a case of ignore, turn a cheek and carry on. I refuse to let those people think they can affect me. Not anymore.

This summer has given me so much strength and confidence. That is the effect of support and compassion.

Just think about that for a second. Think about what if you went out of your way to support someone or a community. Think about what a positive effect your positivity could have.

Beats negativity hands down doesn't it.

Amanda xx

@AmandaOutThere