To My Kids

 To those regular readers of this blog, you will know that I've been estranged from my kids for coming up to 5 years soon. They are both adults (working/university) now so as part of my winding up this blog I thought I'd pen an open letter to them.

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Hi there.

I get it. I really do. Change can be difficult to deal with.

We all want things to be easy, to be consistent and there to be no conflict. 

Life however is rarely that simple. 

Change is a regular feature. Be that leaving school to go to university, starting your first job, breaking up with your friends / lovers / partner or moving house.

Change should always be viewed as ultimately a challenge that if addressed properly can be utilised for good, for improvement and as a new adventure.

The worst part of life though can be denial. Denial is rarely logical. It's based on stubbornness to change or an inability to accept things are what they are.

It can eat away inside if you realise the truth but dare not face it. At some point you have to accept the reality.

When we last saw each other, things were messed up all round. We were all going through a lot of changes all at once both personally and as a group.

There is little point in looking back as to why. Things happen. People change unconsciously or otherwise or simply realise needs, desires and hopes no longer align.

More damage is done by denying something isn't salvageable and not moving on.

Do I wish things had been done differently....of course... mistakes were made...intentions misplaced and trench warfare can ensue all round. There isn't a guide or instruction manual and you do things at the time that you think we're best. Hindsight can be really 20/20.

In the intervening period we have all moved on in very different ways.

I've been very proud to watch from a distance you both develop and have success in your chosen paths. 

One day if you become a parent yourself perhaps you will come to appreciate that there is an unbreakable bond that remains regardless between a child and parent. 

Despite your thoughts of me, despite what you may have heard albeit second or third hand, I intended things to ultimately be better for all by accepting the reality and restarting in a situation where ultimately we would all be happy.

I hope you both are now happy.

I know I am... deeply so. My denials are history. 

If you are reading this, then I encourage you to read the rest and see what my journey entailed. I don't know if you will ever understand, ever accept or ever find a space in your heart if needed to forgive if you felt I did something wrong. 

I've embraced who I am with a passion I didn't know existed. Ive smashed personal boundaries and pushed envelopes to find I could really achieve things I didn't think possible. It's been enlightening and I've found an inner peace as well as my true voice. So many new adventures have happened, so many new friends met and so many new things still to experience.

It's change again isn't it. I'm not the person you thought you knew both externally and internally. 

However I'm entirely confident that version 2.0 (or in my view V1.0 which was mothballed) is a much better version. More open minded, more confident, more thoughtful, more fun and more varied.

I think given the chance you might think so as well.

Change can be tough I know that in so many ways. However change can be something to embrace, something new to explore and experience, something life affirmative and joyful.

There's times in life where you sometimes have to take a leap of faith. Sometimes it's blind faith but other times its with a sense of what might be. 

Ive been an open book these last few years so there isn't anything to hide anymore, no more lies or hidden agenda. 

This is me.

So have a think, chat perhaps to friends, read this blog, do a bit of research. Talk to my friends maybe.

You know where I am if you ever want a chat, a sounding board or more answers to any question you think there is only one answer to. Invariably it's more complex than that but talking (shouting if it makes you feel better) is better than silence. Knowledge is power and compassion is life affirming.

Love always.

Amanda xx