Clarity and Clarification
Hi all.
Thanks again for looking in and following my little old journey. We hit some 6000 page hits last week since I started this and I am truly grateful. I hope I can continue to keep you all interested.
Been a strange old week. My thoughts throughout this process have always been go with your instincts. Of course listen to people and seek counsel from people who you trust and opinions you value but at the end of the day I make the decisions as I have to live with the consequences.
I have I believe always done well with going with my own instinct on key decisions. Regrets, I have a few...but generally have called the big stuff right. So far work are on board and people I work with have been accepting. Indeed its gone so quiet now its like it never happened!
The instincts however have this week been tuned to wary level and sensing negativity. I have thought long and hard but cant put my finger on why I feel like this. Premonition? Paranoia? Not sure if its either or neither but I just felt uneasy not personally but with things around me. Perhaps my senses are working overtime and seeing things that aren't there but it got me thinking and I thought I would put a few things down in print. Isn't that what a blog is supposed to be about.
When I started this blog I stated that this was to record my journey and perhaps help people understand. That remains the case and its primary aim.
This is not compulsory reading. I'd much rather people spoke to me even if covered here. Body language is very important and context can get lost in bare text which human interaction can help convey better.
I am a heart on the sleeve sort of person deep down and a very deep thinker perhaps too much so. I have for years built emotional walls to protect that and stop me being who I am. I may therefore come across as perhaps cold, remote or closed at times. I can assure people I have no hidden agenda, I don't have secret plans and don't sit home at night conspiring to doing things like a bond villain in their evil lair. I take things very much to heart perhaps too much. If people think badly of me I hurt and I really mean hurt and I dwell on it. I don't I think have the ability to knowingly hurt someone but naivety may play a part sometimes or trying to ensure a greater good gets in the way of doing the right thing. Its not intentional and I am mortified when I hurt someones feelings. This true me is slowly coming out and I am having times of doubt when I show what I think as the real me a quite sensitive soul with quite strong emotions and feelings. I also see friendship as a deep meaningful bond. It is not to be trifled with, messed with or damaged. When I make friends I tend to keep them and as such I don't do anything to put them at risk perhaps sometimes to my detriment in that I trust implicitly and take friends on face value. I like focused simplicity in thought and actions. Why make things complex?
So if all of this and things going on around me give out the wrong idea or impression, one I apologize and two you couldn't be further from the truth thinking bad of me. If I have conveyed the wrong impression then talk to me and clear the air. I bet 99/100 its a misconception rather than what you believe.
This is my journey and mine alone. Id love people to embrace what I am doing and just come along for the ride. I know some of you are and for that I am truly grateful. For the rest of you I all I say is get to know the real me, the deep down me, not the old me and I hope you find something you like and want to know. I don't intend to preach about being trans but as I said heart on the sleeve and all that.
Even if this was just my paranoia, I feel better having said the above and please refer anyone to it in case you hear something not right.
So a few little things this week. Had a clear out of my male wardrobe. Down to the essentials now as some stuff I wont be wearing in the short term. I decided to ditch them and have donated them to Asda's pink ribbon collection to combat breast cancer. I am now majority in possession of female clothes. I felt so good about it I bought hair straighteners and a new bra, the latter which fits really well and felt very comfy. (38C Autograph balcony in skin tone with contrasting lace for those interested).
As a point of interest, when wearing a bra I wear false breasts. The current ones are not expensive and I intend to get better ones in the short term pending hormones and natural growth. They weigh about a kilo each and are tear drop shaped with false nipples. They do shape a little being a heavy jelly like substance inside but once in the right bra do sit and bounce quite realistically lol. They are in proportion to my body shape and I do feel really confident wearing them. Imagine the much mocked chicken fillets but about 3 times bigger. If you are out with me and are intrigued, ask nicely and I'll let you have a small unobtrusive feel. Once only mind!
Still playing with different hair styles and think I will definitely go with a strong fringe. I feel more content with that and will suit me. Decided in time going to go with a bolder hair colour. Perhaps really deep red.
Ill skip about my holiday plans for the next blog. Didn't expect to cover what I have here. I remain inside at least entirely happy with where I am going. I know its right and what I need to do to be who I really am.
Take care and thanks as always for listening however nuts it sounds! Feel free to tell others about this. Happy to spread the word.
Love
Amanda
xx
Thanks again for looking in and following my little old journey. We hit some 6000 page hits last week since I started this and I am truly grateful. I hope I can continue to keep you all interested.
Been a strange old week. My thoughts throughout this process have always been go with your instincts. Of course listen to people and seek counsel from people who you trust and opinions you value but at the end of the day I make the decisions as I have to live with the consequences.
I have I believe always done well with going with my own instinct on key decisions. Regrets, I have a few...but generally have called the big stuff right. So far work are on board and people I work with have been accepting. Indeed its gone so quiet now its like it never happened!
The instincts however have this week been tuned to wary level and sensing negativity. I have thought long and hard but cant put my finger on why I feel like this. Premonition? Paranoia? Not sure if its either or neither but I just felt uneasy not personally but with things around me. Perhaps my senses are working overtime and seeing things that aren't there but it got me thinking and I thought I would put a few things down in print. Isn't that what a blog is supposed to be about.
When I started this blog I stated that this was to record my journey and perhaps help people understand. That remains the case and its primary aim.
This is not compulsory reading. I'd much rather people spoke to me even if covered here. Body language is very important and context can get lost in bare text which human interaction can help convey better.
I am a heart on the sleeve sort of person deep down and a very deep thinker perhaps too much so. I have for years built emotional walls to protect that and stop me being who I am. I may therefore come across as perhaps cold, remote or closed at times. I can assure people I have no hidden agenda, I don't have secret plans and don't sit home at night conspiring to doing things like a bond villain in their evil lair. I take things very much to heart perhaps too much. If people think badly of me I hurt and I really mean hurt and I dwell on it. I don't I think have the ability to knowingly hurt someone but naivety may play a part sometimes or trying to ensure a greater good gets in the way of doing the right thing. Its not intentional and I am mortified when I hurt someones feelings. This true me is slowly coming out and I am having times of doubt when I show what I think as the real me a quite sensitive soul with quite strong emotions and feelings. I also see friendship as a deep meaningful bond. It is not to be trifled with, messed with or damaged. When I make friends I tend to keep them and as such I don't do anything to put them at risk perhaps sometimes to my detriment in that I trust implicitly and take friends on face value. I like focused simplicity in thought and actions. Why make things complex?
So if all of this and things going on around me give out the wrong idea or impression, one I apologize and two you couldn't be further from the truth thinking bad of me. If I have conveyed the wrong impression then talk to me and clear the air. I bet 99/100 its a misconception rather than what you believe.
This is my journey and mine alone. Id love people to embrace what I am doing and just come along for the ride. I know some of you are and for that I am truly grateful. For the rest of you I all I say is get to know the real me, the deep down me, not the old me and I hope you find something you like and want to know. I don't intend to preach about being trans but as I said heart on the sleeve and all that.
Even if this was just my paranoia, I feel better having said the above and please refer anyone to it in case you hear something not right.
So a few little things this week. Had a clear out of my male wardrobe. Down to the essentials now as some stuff I wont be wearing in the short term. I decided to ditch them and have donated them to Asda's pink ribbon collection to combat breast cancer. I am now majority in possession of female clothes. I felt so good about it I bought hair straighteners and a new bra, the latter which fits really well and felt very comfy. (38C Autograph balcony in skin tone with contrasting lace for those interested).
As a point of interest, when wearing a bra I wear false breasts. The current ones are not expensive and I intend to get better ones in the short term pending hormones and natural growth. They weigh about a kilo each and are tear drop shaped with false nipples. They do shape a little being a heavy jelly like substance inside but once in the right bra do sit and bounce quite realistically lol. They are in proportion to my body shape and I do feel really confident wearing them. Imagine the much mocked chicken fillets but about 3 times bigger. If you are out with me and are intrigued, ask nicely and I'll let you have a small unobtrusive feel. Once only mind!
Still playing with different hair styles and think I will definitely go with a strong fringe. I feel more content with that and will suit me. Decided in time going to go with a bolder hair colour. Perhaps really deep red.
Ill skip about my holiday plans for the next blog. Didn't expect to cover what I have here. I remain inside at least entirely happy with where I am going. I know its right and what I need to do to be who I really am.
Take care and thanks as always for listening however nuts it sounds! Feel free to tell others about this. Happy to spread the word.
Love
Amanda
xx
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