Reaction
As promised, I would give a brief update on developments in what was a pretty much fundamental week for me referenced in my last blog.
As for me I don't think I have ever felt so positive and at ease with my future identity and where I am going. I look in the mirror and am starting to see hope and someone looking back at me who I don't feel alienated to. For years I actually thought I was perhaps suffering from some sort of personality disorder such as schizophrenia or the like. My mental health was not in a good place for a very long time and I used to look in the mirror and it just didn't seem to be "me" looking back at me. For many years I felt uncomfortable in my reflection not being happy with how I looked but deeper just having an unease that there wasn't something quite right. I now know why.
Recently when I had my hair cut and styled in a female style, I looked in the mirror and felt a change. I saw the future and the person I was meant to be creeping out. I was totally speechless and quite emotional the latter of which has continued recently as well. Tears (of happiness) haven't been far from the surface.
Also for the first time in a long time I have looked in the mirror and not seen grey hair. I was at first disappointed with the colour my hair turned after dying. It still isn't what I want but I think it was more of the shock of coming to terms with the change. Whilst in time I will change colour and highlights in it, for now again I look in the mirror and see a change and its a change that I know was meant to be.
I cant explain to someone who doesn't have gender identity issues how much this means and how fundamental to my being it is. I am far from where I want to be but these small changes are having such a deep and meaningful effect that it just reinforces all the changes so far as being so right.
So before I leave the hair issue, family haven't said a word and my father thought it looked neater albeit he felt I looked more like the old me. I think he still thinks this isn't happening. I feel an urge to throw more hair dye at it but I will be patient and have another bash at the end of the month.
So work and "that" e-mail. Well as I said I had a few nice replies before I left but came back to loads when I was back on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed and close to tears when reading some. People either I simply don't know or barely know sent beautiful replies. Friends came over to speak to me and just everyone was lovely. I have re read each reply at least 5 times and each time feel me welling up.
Now I know this type of response isn't the norm for all. I work in a firm that firstly is pro diversity and secondly very much employs very intelligent people. That said the response has been fantastic and this has just added to the confidence which has always been the key. There are some people who haven't said anything and I am not sure if they feel they cant, shouldn't speak to me or just are struggling with it all. I will defer my view of them pending some passing time not least as I don't want to make the mistake of calling them wrong. I hope if they read this then they can feel free to speak to me about this, what it means to me and hopefully I can resolve any issues they have.
To say that this was a good week both mentally and emotionally would be an understatement. Every step I take with thought and care put into it, I feel that each step has been positive. I am sure I will hit some negativity but I think all the positivity means I am ready for it and ready to treat it as the insignificance that it is.
So where next? Well I am still hampered by a prolonged divorce but I feel this is close to resolving. I have through out this process been keen to answer any questions asked. Hardly any have been asked so perhaps it is time not just for my well being but to assist others and the wider community that I become more vocal and open about this. Not preaching but certainly helping by being honest and informative. So I intend to be clear to all of my identity and be proud of who I am.Time to ramp up my involvement in LGBT issues and perhaps put this blog out to a wider audience.
Pending that, white jeans, trainers, causal tops are all on the shopping agenda as are the continued wedding purchases. Amanda's first holiday will be wrapped around that wedding trip more of which in forthcoming blogs, but Brighton will be getting a visit.
In the interim thanks for the support. You really don't know how much this has all meant.
As always shout if you want to know anything and I mean anything!
Love and massive hugs,
Amanda GH.
xxxx
P.s. Not Mandy, Manda or Mands....
As for me I don't think I have ever felt so positive and at ease with my future identity and where I am going. I look in the mirror and am starting to see hope and someone looking back at me who I don't feel alienated to. For years I actually thought I was perhaps suffering from some sort of personality disorder such as schizophrenia or the like. My mental health was not in a good place for a very long time and I used to look in the mirror and it just didn't seem to be "me" looking back at me. For many years I felt uncomfortable in my reflection not being happy with how I looked but deeper just having an unease that there wasn't something quite right. I now know why.
Recently when I had my hair cut and styled in a female style, I looked in the mirror and felt a change. I saw the future and the person I was meant to be creeping out. I was totally speechless and quite emotional the latter of which has continued recently as well. Tears (of happiness) haven't been far from the surface.
Also for the first time in a long time I have looked in the mirror and not seen grey hair. I was at first disappointed with the colour my hair turned after dying. It still isn't what I want but I think it was more of the shock of coming to terms with the change. Whilst in time I will change colour and highlights in it, for now again I look in the mirror and see a change and its a change that I know was meant to be.
I cant explain to someone who doesn't have gender identity issues how much this means and how fundamental to my being it is. I am far from where I want to be but these small changes are having such a deep and meaningful effect that it just reinforces all the changes so far as being so right.
So before I leave the hair issue, family haven't said a word and my father thought it looked neater albeit he felt I looked more like the old me. I think he still thinks this isn't happening. I feel an urge to throw more hair dye at it but I will be patient and have another bash at the end of the month.
So work and "that" e-mail. Well as I said I had a few nice replies before I left but came back to loads when I was back on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed and close to tears when reading some. People either I simply don't know or barely know sent beautiful replies. Friends came over to speak to me and just everyone was lovely. I have re read each reply at least 5 times and each time feel me welling up.
Now I know this type of response isn't the norm for all. I work in a firm that firstly is pro diversity and secondly very much employs very intelligent people. That said the response has been fantastic and this has just added to the confidence which has always been the key. There are some people who haven't said anything and I am not sure if they feel they cant, shouldn't speak to me or just are struggling with it all. I will defer my view of them pending some passing time not least as I don't want to make the mistake of calling them wrong. I hope if they read this then they can feel free to speak to me about this, what it means to me and hopefully I can resolve any issues they have.
To say that this was a good week both mentally and emotionally would be an understatement. Every step I take with thought and care put into it, I feel that each step has been positive. I am sure I will hit some negativity but I think all the positivity means I am ready for it and ready to treat it as the insignificance that it is.
So where next? Well I am still hampered by a prolonged divorce but I feel this is close to resolving. I have through out this process been keen to answer any questions asked. Hardly any have been asked so perhaps it is time not just for my well being but to assist others and the wider community that I become more vocal and open about this. Not preaching but certainly helping by being honest and informative. So I intend to be clear to all of my identity and be proud of who I am.Time to ramp up my involvement in LGBT issues and perhaps put this blog out to a wider audience.
Pending that, white jeans, trainers, causal tops are all on the shopping agenda as are the continued wedding purchases. Amanda's first holiday will be wrapped around that wedding trip more of which in forthcoming blogs, but Brighton will be getting a visit.
In the interim thanks for the support. You really don't know how much this has all meant.
As always shout if you want to know anything and I mean anything!
Love and massive hugs,
Amanda GH.
xxxx
P.s. Not Mandy, Manda or Mands....
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