Party Time
Hi people
I'm thinking this will be my penultimate blog of 2018. Its been a long and tough year and I want before the year ends take some time out and ponder whats happened.
So this week was a week I had been looking forward to for a very long time. Avid readers of this blog will know following coming out at work, the works Christmas party was a key focus of the year and my progress.
I was relatively relaxed until about 10 days previous. It started to come home with my department meal over a week before. I wasn't attending as Amanda and was thoroughly down about it. I didn't really enjoy it and that set the tone for the countdown. The week leading up to the party was quite stressful. It was a not a fear or worry. It was more about being the best I could be.
There is a lot said about not needing to "pass" to be accepted i.e. being happy as who you are in your own skin and not feeling you have to conform to stereotypes or others expectations. That is true but at the same time this was huge for me and I wanted to look my best and be me at the same time. How I look gives me confidence and reduces the tension.
I had roughly given myself 2 hours to get ready and it wasn't enough. Short cuts were taken and still I was later than planned. That just increased the stress which causes more delay. I recall on my holiday when I was relaxed and at ease that getting ready was a doddle and easy. I am really looking forward to the normality of day to day getting ready for work and leisure from my own house.
A quick drink before moving to the venue at an adjacent bar with 3 close friends was needed and appreciated. Note just a bar, not an LGBT bar but just a normal bar rammed with drinkers and there I wander in dressed in a full length dress and 3 inch heels which put me in the 6 ft 4 inch height category. I was nervous not about going in this bar, but the 10 min walk from the hotel in heels and the build up to the party. The drink in the bar was really a none event.
As this was a "black tie" party this is the dress I had chosen to wear
So there were 3 elements to the night. A pre meal drink, the sit down meal and then disco until the early hours. It had been a while since I had worn the heels so by the time of arrival I was a little sore in the foot department.
A few people saw me as we handed our cloaks over and the reactions were lovely but I felt a sharp tinge of panic as I entered the main room where everyone was congregating before the meal.
I cant stress how important this party was for me. It was acceptance and me having the confidence to just be me was quite an emotional step. However I genuinely cant be more positive about how good everyone was. Male or female everyone was accepting and were complimentary.
The table for the meal had friends on it and that also helped. I knew however that my coming out would form part of the speeches albeit indirectly and I must admit the words made an already emotional night more so. I was filling up at this point.
The food, company and wine was excellent and despite the initial foot pain, I managed to do a fair bit of dancing. The rest is a blur of drunken flashbacks but all I have is positive memories.
I am an emotional person at the best of times but after a few drinks all the defence mechanisms just melt away and I find it difficult sometimes to keep my emotions in check. There is nothing wrong with showing good emotions and letting it out. It's healthy I believe.
Walking back later to my hotel with 2 good friends, the enormity of what that night meant to me really hit home. It has been a tough few years. I have been stressed and torn in ways I could not have imagined. There have been ups and downs and shocks and surprises. There hasn't been a week that's gone by where I haven't had some emotional turmoil be it good or bad.
I was totally overwhelmed and broke down entirely. Thanks to those two friends I got back to my hotel with heels slung over my shoulders. I have said it before I value friendship. You choose your friends. I have chose very well it seems and both those two and all the others that night and elsewhere have made this process possible. M|y heart and eternal thanks go out to you all.
The next morning as the head cleared and it sunk in, the tears returned. Not just a weep but a full blown sob. I felt I had achieved something special and the weight being lifted was immense. I very much see the future with a clear vision of what I will be. It is clear now I needed to get that i.e. emotional release out of my system and I feel better for it.. It is another step forward and a step closer to where I intend to be.
The weekend was topped off with an offer on the house which is very close to being agreeable. I wont get too excited after what happened recently but it is positive that people are still very much interested.
So that's the last major event of 2018 baring any surprises. My head and vision is so clear. The fear has gone and I am entirely confident as Amanda now whatever the situation.
Thanks to all for your support over the last 2 years and I hope I can continue to count on everyone close to me for what is looking at being a very important and defining New Year.
I also take this opportunity to wish you all a merry Christmas and trust it brings you all you want and hope for.
I'll pop back on here just before the New Year for a final blog this year.
Love
Amanda xx
I'm thinking this will be my penultimate blog of 2018. Its been a long and tough year and I want before the year ends take some time out and ponder whats happened.
So this week was a week I had been looking forward to for a very long time. Avid readers of this blog will know following coming out at work, the works Christmas party was a key focus of the year and my progress.
I was relatively relaxed until about 10 days previous. It started to come home with my department meal over a week before. I wasn't attending as Amanda and was thoroughly down about it. I didn't really enjoy it and that set the tone for the countdown. The week leading up to the party was quite stressful. It was a not a fear or worry. It was more about being the best I could be.
There is a lot said about not needing to "pass" to be accepted i.e. being happy as who you are in your own skin and not feeling you have to conform to stereotypes or others expectations. That is true but at the same time this was huge for me and I wanted to look my best and be me at the same time. How I look gives me confidence and reduces the tension.
I had roughly given myself 2 hours to get ready and it wasn't enough. Short cuts were taken and still I was later than planned. That just increased the stress which causes more delay. I recall on my holiday when I was relaxed and at ease that getting ready was a doddle and easy. I am really looking forward to the normality of day to day getting ready for work and leisure from my own house.
A quick drink before moving to the venue at an adjacent bar with 3 close friends was needed and appreciated. Note just a bar, not an LGBT bar but just a normal bar rammed with drinkers and there I wander in dressed in a full length dress and 3 inch heels which put me in the 6 ft 4 inch height category. I was nervous not about going in this bar, but the 10 min walk from the hotel in heels and the build up to the party. The drink in the bar was really a none event.
As this was a "black tie" party this is the dress I had chosen to wear
So there were 3 elements to the night. A pre meal drink, the sit down meal and then disco until the early hours. It had been a while since I had worn the heels so by the time of arrival I was a little sore in the foot department.
A few people saw me as we handed our cloaks over and the reactions were lovely but I felt a sharp tinge of panic as I entered the main room where everyone was congregating before the meal.
I cant stress how important this party was for me. It was acceptance and me having the confidence to just be me was quite an emotional step. However I genuinely cant be more positive about how good everyone was. Male or female everyone was accepting and were complimentary.
The table for the meal had friends on it and that also helped. I knew however that my coming out would form part of the speeches albeit indirectly and I must admit the words made an already emotional night more so. I was filling up at this point.
The food, company and wine was excellent and despite the initial foot pain, I managed to do a fair bit of dancing. The rest is a blur of drunken flashbacks but all I have is positive memories.
I am an emotional person at the best of times but after a few drinks all the defence mechanisms just melt away and I find it difficult sometimes to keep my emotions in check. There is nothing wrong with showing good emotions and letting it out. It's healthy I believe.
Walking back later to my hotel with 2 good friends, the enormity of what that night meant to me really hit home. It has been a tough few years. I have been stressed and torn in ways I could not have imagined. There have been ups and downs and shocks and surprises. There hasn't been a week that's gone by where I haven't had some emotional turmoil be it good or bad.
I was totally overwhelmed and broke down entirely. Thanks to those two friends I got back to my hotel with heels slung over my shoulders. I have said it before I value friendship. You choose your friends. I have chose very well it seems and both those two and all the others that night and elsewhere have made this process possible. M|y heart and eternal thanks go out to you all.
The next morning as the head cleared and it sunk in, the tears returned. Not just a weep but a full blown sob. I felt I had achieved something special and the weight being lifted was immense. I very much see the future with a clear vision of what I will be. It is clear now I needed to get that i.e. emotional release out of my system and I feel better for it.. It is another step forward and a step closer to where I intend to be.
The weekend was topped off with an offer on the house which is very close to being agreeable. I wont get too excited after what happened recently but it is positive that people are still very much interested.
So that's the last major event of 2018 baring any surprises. My head and vision is so clear. The fear has gone and I am entirely confident as Amanda now whatever the situation.
Thanks to all for your support over the last 2 years and I hope I can continue to count on everyone close to me for what is looking at being a very important and defining New Year.
I also take this opportunity to wish you all a merry Christmas and trust it brings you all you want and hope for.
I'll pop back on here just before the New Year for a final blog this year.
Love
Amanda xx
Excellent glad it went well and great you had your two friends for support, roll on 2019!
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