Got there in the end

Hiya,

I'm writing this post in the evening after my first day at work as Amanda. However in the greatest tradition of storytelling let's go back in time...

Not that far just a week but a week of the highest highs and lowest lows. 

You will recall that I was going to go my first football game at home. Wish I could report something but smooth as you like. Didn't venture in the bar because had to get home to entertain a few football friends at the new house. Great night had by all. That's the good bit. 

The last three years have taken their toll. I have due to a previous major event in my life been mentally fragile at times. 10+ years of acute PTSD does that too you. You learn to cope, you learn strategies to avoid disabling panic attacks and you try your best to avoid situations where it can creep up on you. You never forget, never actually get better, you just learn to get by.

In hindsight I now admit to doing way too much and trying to cope with massive changes in my life. From a massive high, I just ran myself into the floor. Mentally and physically drained and those coping strategies just weren't enough. I made a mistake but I learned in the past and learned now. 

All this was in the week before I planned to go full time. I needed a break and fortunately had planned to visit my BFF. Timing couldn't be better. I needed a break away from the house, work and stress of prepping. I've said it before that friends are vital to me and I had a fantastic weekend. Good company and relaxed. Perfect way to repair a very damaged state of mind days before the biggest change in my life. 

Reality meant I went live actually 3 days before work which again helped. A couple of dry run days and I was fully ready for today.

Wouldn't be me with things not going to plan. Took longer to get ready than planned but I'm sure it'll be a quicker in time. Later train than normal and no one blinked an eye. Walked to the office and tapped in with my new id. Took my seat as normal. 

Now this was so important to me. The day I can be me. I then get a card and bottle of champagne. Cue lower lip trembling. Flowers arrived later. Lip trembling #2. Friends came over and it was lovely. Some said nothing. We all have our ways but it just felt right. Bit nervous about going the loo as communal with other offices but I know it's just a loo but felt very much like I should be there. Odd I know but I get feelings like that. Places you know you should be at and feel like you always should have been. I wore a French Connection body con dress in black with blue / white accentuation at the waist with low heel loafers. Felt good save for a sore toe (drop injury) rubbing all day. 

Commute home was equally uneventful save for a couple of builders getting on at one stop and one smiling at me. That just was a nice way to conclude the day. Even the check out lady at Tesco later was chatty.

I still have a lot of bridges to cross as part of going full time and I'll blog about them in the coming months. However today was a really big step and another box ticked. 

I'll finish now and spend the time before the next blog just taking this and all my new adventures in. Once digested I'll come back to you all and update you. Once I'm settled full time then I can start looking at medical intervention. That is equally important as is getting a love life back!!

Until then, thanks to all who helped me get here. It feels absolutely fan bloody tastic and so so right. 

This is me. 

Amanda xx